As we boldly march into the new year of 2003, we fear nothing. We know that our borders are sealed, our skies are protected, our airports are secure and you couldn't get a canoe into our seaports without the Coast Guard checking your bait box.

Yup, we're feeling pretty darn secure around here.

Just fine.

Nothing to worry about at all.

Except that hum. Hear it?

Well, some of the residents of Kokomo, Ind., do, and it's making them sick.

The Kokomo Hum, as it's now called, has been investigated and reported upon by every news organization from The Weekly World News to ABC and CNN. Residents describe it as being anything from the rumble of a diesel engine to the buzz of fluorescent lights.

Folks who hear the hum have described physical symptoms ranging from migraines to gastric distress, joint pain and nosebleeds.

According to the Kokomo Tribune, resident Diane Anton suffered so badly from the hum that she abandoned her house and moved to South Bend, Ind., 90 miles away, where she says she can still sense the sound.

Polish acoustics professor Ryszard Panuszka claims many of the ill effects suffered by Kokomo residents can be attributed to infrasound, sound waves which are too low-frequency for the human ear to hear, but which can cause all sorts of health problems.

Theories about the hum abound, from geological causes to meteorological oddities to the slightly more far-out concepts of alien experiments or the HARP project.

Anton blames the hum on a local smelting plant run by Haynes International, but says she's gotten no cooperation from plant officials in locating the exact source of the sound.

As of September 2002, the Kokomo City Council voted to spend $100,000 on researching the hum, and had begun to winnow down firms wanting to do the work.

We here at the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles complex plan to keep an eye (and ear) on this. What do you think? Drop me a line and let me know!

And now, let's get down to business with some folks who obviously are hearing some hums of their very own, judging from their behavior.

No Free Lunch

Two middle-school students in Pell City, Ala., have been suspended for doing a bit of creative financing in the lunchroom.

The boys, ages 13 and 14, apparently used a computer scanner to make flawless pictures of each side of the bills, then glued them together.

"What really tipped us off to these, they apparently tried to glue the bills together," said Officer Don Newton. "So that kind of gave a little idea of the texture not being quite right, with Elmer's glue inside the pages."

When I was in school, we thought we were hot stuff if we could make a metal slug and fool the Coke machines at the subway station. Kids these days have it so easy. They just slap a Ben Franklin into the scanner and presto, a felony!

Good Judgment In Action

Prostitution may be legal in Nevada, but James Wood pushed the envelope a bit too far.

James Wood and his wife, Amy, were shown on an HBO program about the Moonlite Bunny Ranch east of Carson City. They portrayed a young couple trying to hire two women from the establishment.

Unfortunately for Jim, his superiors at the state Department of Corrections didn't exactly find his actions amusing. He was fired for inappropriate conduct.

That's part of what's wrong with this country. Married couples don't spend enough time together as it is, and now we've got big government cracking down on a poor schmoe who was just trying to share some quality time with his wife.

High-Tension Squirrel

The Evil Squirrels have apparently cast off all pretense and decided to mount an open attack on our infrastructure and way of life.

Case in point: the good people of Santa Rosa, Calif., were the target of a furbearing demon's attack on a downtown power substation. Two thousand four hundred homes lost power, and many residents were unable to buy a morning paper or pick up a Starbucks coffee jolt because the businesses had no lights.

HERE the plan is revealed! After we've stubbed our toes in the dark, we'll be further battered by being denied our morning caffeine. Without our morning papers to tell us of similar incidents worldwide, we'll be unaware of their global strike.

We'll frustrate them, though, people! The Weird Chronicles complex is impregnable, and we will continue to bring you all the news on these insipid, dangerous rodents. They'll never stop us! In fact, even now, our sources tell us *BZZAP*

*crackle*

*hiss*